Tears A Short Story

She laid her precious boy down gently in his crib, on crisp fresh sheets. She diminished in her humming and tears ran down her already puffy cheeks. She turned and threw herself across the bed; deep long sobs took her breath away. She turned her head to peer at her son through the polished white slats of his crib. She heard the familiar coo and sigh her son effortlessly breathed in his sleep.
She closed her eyes, "I'm not worthy, I'm such a slut” The thoughts echoed in her mind, "How could anyone love me?" The thoughts raced just as fast as the tears now soaking into her pillow. “How can such a wonderful baby have such a horrible mother?” Her eyes became heavy and she tried desperately to calm her breathing. She struggled within herself to stay quiet and let the thoughts pass. "Surely God will forsake me now. How can God make me a missionary with such mistakes as these?"
A feeling more miserable than the last hung heavy over her as she fitfully drifted into sleep. She tossed and turned, she felt the sea of tears lay between her cheek and the pillow. She clung to the sheets, twisting them around her. Her muscles started to ache with the tension held within them. Her stomach jumped with nausea. She silently pleaded, "Just please go to sleep, I can't take this anymore” With that her eyes closed and she let herself relax into sleep.

She had been drifting for what seemed like days, a sea of tears surrounding her with only her pillow to help her stay afloat. Sleepily she lifted her head and looked about her. Fog and mist was the only thing she could see. The pillow began to sink beneath the waves and deciding not to struggle she slipped under.
A large hand reached down to her and lifted her out of the waves. A calming whisper covered her like a thick blanket, "Be at peace." She felt the grit of sand beneath her, and a warm body next to her. She opened her eyes and felt his hand pull back her hair; she instantly climbed into his lap and began to weep. His arms covered her, he held her gently but with a firm grip. She spoke abruptly between choking back more tears. He silently stroked her hair and rocked her in his arms. Soon all her thoughts, and emotions were spent. She lay there clinging to him, breathing deeply into his chest.
His voice slowly wound their way around her being. Like the roar of a loin and call of a lamb, "My child, let it go." "But God, she replied. "Be still." His voice was not angry but stern in his love. "I am that I am, and I did not create the world for you to limit me with a "but God" She cringed knowing just how true his words were. “I gave my son to make you worthy, he took your place.” She sighed as more thoughts drifted towards her; she wrestled with these thoughts but said nothing.
She felt his chest rumble with a chuckle. “I know your thoughts too, little one. Look!” She raised her head and looked toward the horizon. Steadily moving towards her a cross came into view. “He bore that pain, so there would be no need for you to bear it.” The reality of his words seemed to slap her across the face. Her tears stopped and time slowed. The cross faded away, and imprinted itself on her heart. She sat still on his lap, not daring to turn and face him. She sat drawing his words deep inside her. She spoke where she thought she could barely be heard. “If I let it go, it will all fall apart.” She hung her head; she knew it was the truth of her mind. She expected him to shove her off his lap and walk away. She braced herself and prepared to land back amidst the waves.
She gasped when his arms covered her again. “Trust in me, have faith in me.” New tears streaked down her face, tears of joy and love, adoration and acceptance. “I will follow you anywhere, I leave it all in your lap, I yield.” Quickly she turned and hugged him, placing her ear to his heart. She smiled and felt at peace. She saw the beach and the sea fade away, but his arms still held her in place.

She blinked her eyes softly open; a smile had found its way to her face. She laid there for a moment recounting her dream. “Was it really…? Did I just…?” She stretched out over the bed and gave a deep yawn. She looked out her window while the questioning thoughts roared in her head. The golden warmth of the sun spilled into the room. She felt her face glow from its tender caress. She turned to the look again through the slats in her son’s crib. He was awake playing with his feet, gently rocking the crib. She smiled warmly as her son turned toward her and smiled.
She crept out of bed and up to the white railing of his crib. “There’s my baby boy!” He returned her greeting with a giggle and reached up to her. She gently picked him up and hugged him. She softly sang in his ear, “God is great and his praise fills the Earth, fills the Heavens…” She continued singing and swayed into the living room. She walked up to the window and cooed with her son. “Today is a new day, and a beautiful day it is”